Part I

I hope I never forget this weekend, the ending to a fleeting, yet drawn-out year. But already, my memory of these past few days has turned into the left-over soup from a bowl of noodles, the way it is after you've slurped up all the substantial parts, the way it is when you're full and just gazing at the hazy brown liquid before you. And writing this post is more or less as futile as fishing for a chili pepper that has sunk into the oblivious depths of your dark, savory soup. But I'll try, because invariably, there will be a few tasty scraps to find.

I will also be absolutely unapologetic with regard to this post's lengthiness, because there was just too much that happened and too much to say about it.

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I guess Thursday is where this narrative should start. Our last ARML practice. Rainy. Lots of disagreement and impatience and lots of shouting into phones, giving brusque directions. But it turned out fine, because we had delicious pho, because we were with friends, because we had an excellent discussion about white lies and success. I also did terribly during the practice. Another prominent memory: of David Kim blatantly slacking off during the team round. (lulz)

That night, my mind ran feverishly, trying to figure out what I still needed to do for Friday. I freaked out about Spanish homework and packing and Bio Olympiad's Jday fundraiser, which actually turned out to be a smashing success. I also decided to skip classes on Friday.

Friday: packing, going to Safeway for fundraising supplies, helping DKim think of cynical aphorisms. Then, ARML BUS RIDE! God, that was fun. Kee Young, though he didn't birng any milkis, he did bring a bag full of Jelly Belly jellybeans, whose population we delightedly demolished. (We being Kee Young, Lily, and I primarily, but also Vangie and Ved and... Eric, maybe?) The physical unpleasantness of seating four people in two seats was more than mitigated by the orgasmic flavors that Kee Young produced by creating jellybean combos. And, of course, throughout the trip, there was an orgy of picture-taking, except that now, I feel as if we hadn't taken enough.

And then, much too quickly, we were at Penn State. While we waited for our rooms and shortly after we got them, we played ultimate. Eh, I was too tired to really enjoy it. Lily, Kee Young, David Kim and I, at one point, were all sitting on the sidewalk while the others played frisbee. The Korean girl that nobody really knew, Jee In Seo, was also there, and I felt kind of bad that nobody was talking to her. But anyway, DKim was talking to Jack on his phone, and Lily then somehow figured out that Jack was driving. In her absolutely motherly way, she snatches DKim's phone and runs off with it, which added to the very much entertaining pretense of enmity between the two. (^.^)

Dinner was at the Big Bowl Noodle place--a tasty, satisfying meal. We discussed the depletion of natural resources and the end of the world as we know it. Hanwen, Kee Young, and I battled each other for chopstick supremacy. I dunno who won, because Hanwen 'cheated' and took the bowl and poured it out in order to snipe the sought-after chili pepper. Hanwen got a huge wet spot on his shorts, though, so I'd say that Hanwen won, but at a high cost. Kind of reminds me of China.

After leaving Lawrence to eat his noodles alone, a big group of us meandered our way back to the dorms. However, after losing Arvind and co., we became forever distracted by the little things that came up: strange reflections of the sunlight on a building, "emo poses", and many, many other group photos. Eventually, we started walking again, but then I saw a wall and therefore felt compelled to climb it. An ecstatic beat jumped in my chest as I struggled my way up to the top, where the world was wider and so much more exciting. Several minutes later, a bunch of us were on top of that ten-foot high brick wall. Remaining on the ground were Vangie and Lily, who was snapping away with her camera.

The team meeting followed, and there were nachos and salsa. Nothing else notable.

Then, the ARML tradition called mafia. Spliting up into two groups was tedious and sub-optimal, but they turned out fine. Ved, Lily, Vangie, Aryan, Sin, Eric, Hong, Grace, Jenny, Lawrence, Keeyoung, Tim, Jared, DKim, and I ended up in Tim and Jared's room, while the others stayed downstairs. And thus began the most tragic game of mafia ever.

Initially, there were a lot of asanine comments from DKim's general direction. Then Lily was jokingly accused of being the mafia. Her face, her mouth and eyes, her laugh and words were all a bit off, it seemed. By the time Lawrence's flood of accusative deductions were unleashed, Lily's voice became small and her defense, weak. As each person in the room independently judged and ignorantly "saw through" her innocence, Lily laughed nervously, for all the world like Amy Pohler as Hillary Clinton. Before I even raised my hand and declaratively asked for the vote, I knew Lily would be killed.

She was innocent.

Then following nights and days flowed on, like a dream. At night, the mafia killed, while I, the inspector, so warily suspicious, pointed at those I trusted most, and time after time, Ved shook his head, no. During the day, I joined Lawrence in his eager and self-righteous quest to impose justice. And before us, our comrades fell at the strokes of our own scythes. Day after day, we pinched out the lives of the innocent while the mafia survived. Jared, Kee Young, Sin Kim, Grace, and Jenny died, while Lawrence, Tim, and I lived. Only after the non-mafia no longer held the majority did I realize who they were.

And it was too late. I left that room feeling troubled, as if I had personally been responsible for the actual deaths of 6 human beings. What were the implications of my woefully inadequate judgement? Could I bear to hold responsibility ever again?The worst part, though, was that I couldn't understand what I did wrong; every death seemed justified in our simulated microcosm. No matter how I tried to shift the blame, it always came back to me: every person I picked to kill was innocent.

Still disturbed by myself, I ended my long day: a shower, the brushing of teeth, and lying awake on my bed. Wrapped up in our white sheets, looking into a comforting darkness, Lawrence and I discussed our lives with ardor and earnestness, until an hour after midnight, at which point we both decided to rest a little, perturbed by the lenghthiness of our discussion on systems of belief. Before everything vanished into the soothing blackness of sleep, I distinctly remember the quiet silence of the warm night and a green light blinking lazily on my ceiling.

End of day 1.

//Correction: Jenny claims that Grace wasn't killed, which means that Tim was.